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Racial Slurs in the Home: One Family's Struggle with Hate Speech!

Confronted with the challenge of addressing racial slurs used in their stepchildren's other home, this parent is seeking guidance on navigating this delicate and complex conversation.

Hey MJ,

I hope you're doing well. I'm reaching out today because I'm in the midst of a particularly tricky situation at home and could really use some perspective.

My partner is Black, I am white, and our children (my stepkids, aged 8 and 9) are multiracial. We've always been proactive about having age-appropriate conversations on topics like race, sexuality, and gender. Resources like The Conscious Kid have been invaluable in guiding these discussions, especially as our kids navigate mostly white spaces in school and activities.

The issue we're facing now involves their time at their mother's house. Our daughter recently mentioned that their mom and her boyfriend frequently use the N-word, especially during arguments. This isn't the first time we've heard about inappropriate language at their other home, but this is the first instance involving a racial slur. It's always been a challenge to instill our values without casting judgment on their mother, whose views often differ from ours. This situation feels especially complex.

We did talk to them about the history of the word, explaining its dehumanizing origins and how its usage has evolved, including discussions about the variations in pronunciation and context. This led to further questions from our kids about racial identity and who 'is allowed' to use the word. Their mom, being part Puerto Rican and part Black, complicates their understanding of racial identity and the use of such terms.

I'm doing my own research, but I wanted to reach out for advice on how to continue these conversations. How do we navigate this issue, especially considering that the word is used in their mom's home? What are the key points we should cover or avoid? Any shared experiences or guidance on how to frame these discussions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much for your help.



Dear Anonymous,

In addressing the complex issue of racial slurs being used in your stepchildren's other home, it's commendable that you're seeking a thoughtful and informed approach. This situation, while challenging, offers a valuable opportunity for deep and meaningful conversations with your children.

Your efforts to educate them about the history and context of the N-word have laid a solid foundation. It's crucial to build on this by emphasizing the importance of understanding the impact of words. Explain that while certain terms may be used within specific communities or contexts, their potential to harm or offend remains significant. This helps your children grasp not just the historical significance but also the contemporary implications of language.

Navigating contrasting values between households can be tricky. Encourage your children to develop critical thinking skills that will allow them to respect different perspectives while forming their own informed opinions. This skill is invaluable, especially when they encounter conflicting messages from different homes. It's about teaching them to analyze, question, and discern, rather than dictating what to think.

Modeling respectful conversations is key. Show your children how to engage in discussions about difficult topics with respect and openness. This includes demonstrating how to express their views considerately, how to agree or disagree with others, and how to listen to and consider diverse perspectives.

Keeping the lines of communication open is vital. Encourage your children to be curious, to ask questions, and to share their feelings about the diverse messages they receive. Ensure they feel safe and supported in expressing any confusion or concerns they might have.

While you continue these discussions at home, it might also be beneficial to seek additional resources or support. There are numerous books, online materials, and professionals who specialize in multicultural family dynamics and racial identity that can provide further guidance.

In terms of dealing with the language used in their mother's home, it's wise to focus on what you can control and teach within your own home, rather than confronting the other household. This approach avoids potential conflicts and centers your efforts on the positive impact you can have on your children's understanding and development.

Lastly, continue to educate yourself on these topics. The more informed and aware you are, the better equipped you'll be to guide your children through these complex issues. Your role is not just to provide answers but to journey with them in understanding and navigating their multicultural world with sensitivity and respect.

Kenbe la,



In 2020, the "Badass Black Girl" book series author M.J. Fievre began receiving correspondence from a varied audience, including parents, young adults, and teens. Fievre, an established author and speaker, is known for her insightful engagement with themes relevant to these demographics. The communication, primarily through Facebook or the Badass Black Girl inbox, revolves around topics covered in her books and public talks. These interactions display a rich tapestry of experiences and viewpoints, highlighting the author's impact on her readers.

“Hey, MJ” is a platform created to foster a meaningful connection between M.J. Fievre and her readers. It offers a forum for open dialogue, personalized advice, and the sharing of collective experiences. The platform's effectiveness is rooted in Fievre's expertise as an author and speaker. Her work, particularly in the "Badass Black Girl" series, showcases her deep understanding of the challenges and triumphs faced by her audience. Her background as an educator and her commitment to empowering young voices further enhance her ability to offer relevant and empathetic responses.

Readers wishing to engage with “Hey, MJ” can send their messages to All queries are treated with confidentiality, ensuring a safe space for honest and open communication.


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